Tough Year for Global Warming Grants

I live in the Pacific Northwest, right on the waters of Puget Sound.  Of the many benefits that living near a large body of water brings, temperature stability is one of them.  It takes a lot of energy to change the temperature of water, and consequently, it doesn’t get super hot or super cold around here much.

It's BURNIN' Up Out Here!
Really, Trust Us, This Is All Part Of Global Warming!!

I bring this up because we’re currently experiencing both record amounts of snowfall and record low temperatures.  By ‘record’, I mean over the past 4-5 decades.  Quite impressive.

Aside from the fact that I love the cold and snow (to a point), I’m also a bit gleeful because all this blistering cold flies (like snow flurries) in the face of the global warming movement.  How is it that we’re breaking cold records if it really is true that we’re trapping hot gasses in our atmosphere with our carbon emissions?

There’s two answers, both are stupid.  One is, “Did I say global WARMING?  Huh.  That’s funny.  I meant global temperature fluctuations! And they’re just as bad – no, worse – than the global warming stuff I was preaching 10 years ago.”

The other answer is that this winter – a winter where every living organism north of the latitude of Phoenix, AZ is currently trying to unfreeze the snot from the inside of their noses – is just an anomaly.  A blip.  We’re getting warmer, you just don’t notice it.  You won’t notice it until your’re melting into the pavement of your local Dodge Durango dealership.

See?!  The Ice Is Melting Right Out From Under The Polar Bears!  Give Us Money, QUICK!
See?! The Ice Is Melting Right Out From Under The Polar Bears! Give Us Money, QUICK!

I will disclaim here that medical doctors are poor scientists, usually.  Our profession is filled with superstition and trendy medicine and popularity contests.  But, we’re trained as scientists, so I will say that we know the rules of empiric discovery.  As such, even as a para-scientist, I say that global warming is not science.  Why?  Because there is no real evidence to support it.  Furthermore, the phenomenon isn’t repeatable.  Both empiric evidence and repeatability are hallmarks of good science.  If you don’t have these things, you have no way of knowing truth from trend.

What global warming alarmists conveniently omit every time they prognosticate the end of human life is that, a) there is no way to determine a unique trend in temperatures on a planet that is thousands of years old (at least) when you only have about 150 years of data.  And b) there is strong financial incentive (in the form of grants) for global warming to actually exist.

I’m a believer in conservation.  I’m a stickered member of the Sierra Club.  I believe in waste reduction and recycling, I’m into alternative fuels and I’m warming (no pun intended) to composting.

But using the social myth of global warming is stupid, dangerous, expensive and disingenuous.

A few years ago, you may have heard about the controversy in Oregon regarding the Spotted Owl.  Tree-cutting was successfully halted because environmentalists claimed that the Owl – a protected species – had a mating radius of 50 miles.  In truth, they were just trying to protect old-growth forests.

I think we’re doing the same thing with global warming.  The problem is that using bad scientific principles to manipulate the public eventually creates an uncritical and intellectually lazy public.  A badly-thinking public is not to anyone’s benefit because over time, somebody will dupe everyone into much worse (see: Peoples Temple, AngkarEinsatzgruppen)

We need to limit our consumption of fossil fuels.  We need to reduce, reuse and recycle.  We need to protect our forests and rivers.  But it isn’t because of such a farce as global warming.  So far, there simply is no evidence to support such a brilliant, scary tale.

New Job

factory.jpgDear Shareholders,

Please read below a brief supplemental report on the status of Family Factory 4HAU:

This report is coming from the V.P. of Resource Acquisition as our C.E.O. has taken leave for personal reasons. I am confident she will return to her regular duties in short order, if only because she even now likely is struggling to relax with the knowledge that this particular V.P. is not the ideal candidate for oversight of factory operations.

As you know, our factory produces – often with stunning efficiency – screams, giggles, dirty dishes, dirty clothes and a earth-dismaying number of dirty diapers on a daily basis. I’ve found that this factory also puts out a rather bewildering array of tin cans and plastic bottles, the sheer number of which I continually find myself at a loss to explain.

The reason for all this industrial waste, of course, is to ultimately produce 4 Human Adult Units. We expect our first fully-functional unit in approximately another 10 years. These productions will come equipped with manners, restraint and sound reasoning systems. We hope to see generally-explicable belief programs on-line as well. Add-ons at this factory include some measure of humility, ideally some chastity and at least a few documented instances of general intelligence.

Of note, currently there is a “hold” on these expectations for Model #4, which appears to have some software quirks that still need evaluation and likely some serious editing. The unit – the newest of the fleet at a mere 2 years – appears to have hard-wire fixations on specific objects such as balls of any size or bounceability, crackers and “dwinks”. Additionally disconcerting, this unit’s predilection for disassembly – bordering on bald destruction – continues to vex even our senior programming team. Thus, our predictions for this unit remain in flux. It should be noted that our site has limited experience with this particular model – the M. The three other more predictable and manageable units are F models and seem particularly compliant in the areas of safety and quietness. We suspect that these units may require higher maintenance costs over the long-run, however.

gummi.jpgOf concern, this rosy outlook is in peril of late. In the past 24 hours, we have seen significant backlogs in the areas of fueling operations, sleep-mode induction, and general factory order. Re-fueling the H.A.U.’s is a delicate process involving specific balances of amino acids, fats and constant vigilance over carbohydrates…especially of the ‘Gummy Bear’ variety. Recently, the stop-level parameters on these nutrients appear to have been subject to software-hacking: the end result being a total reordering of our daily nutrition balance. Fruits and vegetables – so ubiquitous under the watchful gaze of the C.E.O. – have been replaced by jello, GoGurt, chips and other high-calorie foods with virtually absent nutritional value. With shame, I also admit to providing our H.A.U.’s with carb and fat-laden pre-fabricated deep-fried chicken fragments that have cheap diversionary plastic objects contained in primary-colored boxes as part of their delivery system. Our four units show an almost inexplicable positive attraction to their revamped nutrient algorithm, but effects over the ensuing 3 hours are less than ideal.

happy.jpgAdditionally, concern grows about tomorrow, when educational programs will re-start after a routine 48-hour hiatus. Given the highly-complex interplay of time, preparation and travel such undertaking requires, I am dubious about the results when we go live in the morning. I would anticipate some major delays in implementing this process and have set a rather low standard for success by comparison to that of the C.E.O., which will be to simply transition units #1 and #2 into some version of education mode without all other factory operations grinding to a catastrophic halt. In general, if we manage to avoid ‘catastrophic halts’ of any kind, this interim management team is poised to term their work “a success”.

It should be noted that factory supplies currently can be found strung across floors and all work spaces. Again referring to the inexplicable volume of industrial waste, I am at a loss to explain how our environmentally-friendly recycling programs have suddenly shut down. Everything from outright trash to recyclable materials to even re-usable zip-lock bags are repeatedly being found by management in the general trash receptacles. All efforts to parse factory waste into recycle/reuse and “real trash” appear to have ceased. Furthermore, all 4 units appear to be re-setting their hard drives to function on “Lord of the Flies” mode, which has relegated this V.P. to spending most of his time trying to avoid “getting voted off”. Furthermore, given the recent hour-change for daylight savings, our factory has run into numerous, shall we say, delays in production of even basic operations such as equipping the units for daytime activities by switching them out of P.J. mode. It is with great determination that I have avoided simply plugging all units into the EM pulse machine and leaving them in mode: dormant until a more facile manager can arrive on the floor.

This brings me to my final point. There have been times when this V.P. has questioned the difficulty of the C.E.O.’s role compared to the task of resource acquisition. At times, I will admit moments of delusional grandeur when I believed myself up to the task of supplanting the current C.E.O., suggesting that she “give it a whirl” in the competitive and vicious world where I spend most of my time. Upon further consideration, I would agree with the constantly-unanimous view of The Board that current management roles are appropriately assigned. I apologize for, at any time, questioning the wisdom of our current assignments and ask only that you pass along my heartfelt wish to the C.E.O. that she enjoy her time off. However please note that her quick return is advisable, given the rapidly-deteriorating state of our Family Factory 4H.A.U.