CDC Officials Upset About Champagne Return Policy

logoATLANTA – Officials at the Center for Disease Control are contesting the return policy of the Korbel Champagne Company in what many here are calling “a classic swindle.”

Effervescently giddy a week ago at the start of the Swine Flu outbreak, senior officials at the organization approved a “full-out partaaay”, says CDC spokesman Greg Thereou.  “But things didn’t work out like we had hoped.”

“Look, the swine flu thing….we were gonna be important again!”  Says Geoff Davis, senior epidemiologist of the Floating Particles and Peanut Dust Unit and lead researcher of viral gene sequence XD449Cd.

building“I was gonna get to make all the bus and cab announcements.”  Interjected another scientist – Dr. Franklin Sumpsen – as he passed by.  He then added wistfully, “Sure beats tracking the sperm count of banana slugs in the Mississippi Delta.”

Amy Forsythe, lead statistician on the Women with Bizarre Sexual Histories Who Also Smoke Crack project, agrees.  “We had a lot going for us this time.  I mean, the SARS scare didn’t pan out at all like we’d hoped.  I think we only got 3 or 4 press conferences out of that before it was all over.

“This time – ”  Amy interrupts herself to hold up a newspaper on her desk, “Look at the London Metro Newspaper..’Swine flu could kill up to 120 MILLION’.  I think they did that all by themselves!  It’s like they were working for us or something.”

Dr. Davis did admit to some involvement the story, “Yeah, well, I photoshopped some surgical masks on a picture of a group of SWAT team guys enacting a raid for a public promo in Tulsa.  Then I put little Mexican flags on their uniforms and sent it to the Metro.  But what’s the big deal?  It could have happened like that.”

bubbly1“We bought 128 cases of Korbel Champagne.”  Said Jody Flannagan, auditer of the Nosocomial Urethral Cath Infections Tracking bureau, and under-secretary of the party planning committee.  She quietly pulled down a giant banner that read:  We’re relevant Again!  Have a drink on us…hell, have two!

“We mostly went with the Brut, but also threw in a smattering of Extra Dry and some Rose too.”  She continued glumly, popping a balloon under her sensible office shoes.  “Now the upper brass have called off the party and Korbel won’t even talk to us.  It’s like we’re dead to them.”

All employees agree that coming back to reality after these heady past few days has been quite a blow.  “It was shaping up to be the most powerful moment of our lives.”  Said Dr. Forsythe, “If we could have nudged our pandemic indicator to ‘Crimson-blast deathblood of innocent millions’ level, we would have enjoyed utter domination of planet United States.”

space-suitA warehouse on the CDC lot is now filled with unused supplies including 48 million square feet of rolled plastic, sterile body suits, goggles, bright blue gloves (“they show up better in the pictures” said Dr. Forsythe) and miles of biohazard taping.  Teams were already prepared to take over airports, schools, bus lines and other places of public congregation.

“True, they only gave us daycares.” Said James Dickson, a tech in the Toe Fungus lab.  “It’s no JFK International..but still.  We would have gotten to do a press-conference or two.  I could have printed up lots of directions and mandates and plans and I’m sure we could have overseen the arrest of some itinerant parents who wouldn’t submit to our authority.”

Sighing sadly, Dickson threw a box of round stickers in the trash that read, “It’s for your own good.  One day you’ll understand.”

“We’re sending an official letter of complaint to the champagne company,” says Dr. Forsythe.  “They should understand that we have no use for the stuff now.  It would be like popping corks at a funeral.”

Then she laughed conspiratorially as a man in a white coat whispered something in her ear.  “Oh, that’s right…on the back of the letter, we’re attaching a sticky note that says we’ll release Vibo0t778-XM2 into their heating vents if they don’t give us our money back!

“That’ll teach ’em to ignore the CDC!”

Comrade Bush

My dear readers – please prepare yourself for some rather feisty political and religious ranting (below).  I’ve largely avoided politics on this blog, as well as religious issues.  But not today.  This blog is about catharsis for me as much as it is a record of my observations and experiences in the medical world.  Therefore, today is a day to respect this former purpose.

To add some background to the entry, you should know that I was raised in a politically-conservative home that also was highly religious and active in the Protestent, non-denominational Christian belief system.  We had a picture of Newt Gingrich on our fridge.  We strongly supported Amendment 2 in Colorado a few years back – a hyper-conservative law disallowing gays to claim discrimination in hiring (since declared unconstitutional).  We hated Bill Clinton and constantly lauded Ronald Reagan.  Since voting-puberty, my presidential votes went: Bush I, Dole, Bush 2, Bush 2.

Since my second vote for Bush 2 however, things in my mind have changed dramatically.

I welcome your comments, condemnations and replies.  Or, perhaps, you’re already bored since this post is political rather than medical.  But, for better or worse, here ’tis:

I can’t  believe how much I hate W.  I’m so pissed that I voted for him…twice.

Hugo Chavez is calling him “comrade” because his vacuous and impotent bailout plan is so communistic.  He calls it ‘Communism for the Rich’.  And, lest we forget, McCain VOTED FOR BUSH’S BAILOUT…never even condemning the 1.5 billion in moronic pork projects that the second plan required to eventually pass the House.

There are no conservatives anywhere near D.C. anymore.  I largely blame Christian Conservatives for this because they have let social-control issues dominate their thinking so much that they’ve totally lowered their standards on genuine conservative governmental policy.  With the takeover of the banks, our government is bigger and stronger than the centralized government of the Soviet Union.  What happens when our government (vastly different every 4-8 years) is taken over by atheists, or radical islamists, or strict anti-religion nuts?  Imagine Hitler at the helm of a government as capable of oppressing its people as ours has become.

Christians should vote to keep the government WEAK, not moral.  They voted for W. because they thought he was a moral guy who opposed abortion…he then used his 8 years to make the government more capable of persecution than ever before in American history.  Ironic that Christians fled to these shores because of an overbearing guy named “George”.  Now another George has put them right back in the same place.

EVERY conservative Christian in America should have been marching in the streets for a little guy from TX named Ron Paul during the primaries this year (although Obama shows a reasonable respect for constitutional rights as well).  Paul is the only strict fiscally-conservative constitutionalist who had a shot at the presidency.  Instead, they rallied for Huckabee – called “The Huckster” by his constituents for his renowned inability to pass up shady financial deals – because he promoted himself as hyper-opposed to abortion.  But opposition to abortion is nothing more than support for extremely invasive nearly-omnipotent governmental oppression of civil liberties. Please understand that I say this as one who is totally and completely opposed to abortion for birth control at any trimester. Other than in life-threatening situations, I will never perform one under any circumstances. This, for the moment, is within my civil rights.

Christians have lost their way politically because they put the singular issue of forcing others to believe as they do about abortion on such a pedestal that it has become an idol.  Dreaming of a government so powerful it could literally monitor and control the genitals of women and the doctors who care for them, Christians have allowed government to grow into a terrifying power.  They should have been vigilant about protecting their right to worship, which requires robust civil liberties.  Instead, they voted to force others to see issues they way they do, no different than Muslim extremists.  Not only are they losing on those issues (abortion will NEVER be outlawed.  EVER.), they are now in a position to lose their freedoms, too.  Thanks to GWB, the U.S. Government is geared for total and horrific oppression of Christians…and other religions or belief systems as well.

The only question is when it will happen.

Given the way Christians pillory the press – the only remaining vanguard against oppressive government – I am convinced that politically-active Christians are the single greatest threat to civil and religious freedom in America.  They urgently need to go back to their Bibles, their families and their jobs…and shut the hell up.

Politically-active, conservative Christians are destroying America.